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Text File | 1997-04-16 | 24KB | 454 lines

------------------------------------------------------------------------- @@@ @@@@ @@@ @@@@ @@@ @@@@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@@@@@ @@ @ @@ @@@@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@@@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@@@ @@@@ @@ @@@ @@@ @@@@ @@@@ @@ @@@ @@ @@@ @@@@ @@@ @@@ @@@ Electronic Humor Magazine. Issue019, (Volume V, Number 1). July, 1987. NutWorks is published semi-monthly-ish by Brent C.J. Britton, <Brent@Maine.BITNET> ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Standard Disclaimer =================== From: Marc Kriguer <REMARCK@UCLASSCF> (Origin: Dave's Fido, Gardner, MA) This product is meant for educational purposes only. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead is purely coincidental. Void where prohibited. Some assembly required. List each check separately by bank number. Batteries not included. Contents may settle during shipment. Use only as directed. No other warranty expressed or implied. Do not use while operating a motor vehicle or heavy equipment. Postage will be paid by addressee. Subject to CAB approval. This is not an offer to sell securities. Apply only to affected area. May be too intense for some viewers. Do not stamp. Use other side for additional listings. For recreational use only. Do not disturb. All models over 18 years of age. If condition persists, consult your physician. No user-serviceable parts inside. Freshest if eaten before date on carton. Subject to change without notice. Times approximate. Simulated picture. No postage necessary if mailed in the United States. Breaking seal constitutes acceptance of agreement. For off-road use only. As seen on TV. One size fits all. Many suitcases look alike. Contains a substantial amount of non-tobacco ingredients. Colors may, in time, fade. We have sent the forms which seem to be right for you. Slippery when wet. For office use only. Not affiliated with the American Red Cross. Drop in any mailbox. Edited for television. Keep cool; process promptly. Post office will not deliver without postage. List was current at time of printing. Return to sender, no forwarding order on file, unable to forward. Not responsible for direct, indirect, incidental or consequential damages resulting from any defect, error or failure to perform. At participating locations only. Not the Beatles. Penalty for private use. See label for sequence. Substantial penalty for early withdrawal. Do not write below this line. Falling rock. Lost ticket pays maximum rate. Your cancelled check is your receipt. Add toner. Place stamp here. Avoid contact with skin. Sanitized for your protection. Be sure each item is properly endorsed. Sign here without admitting guilt. Slightly higher west of the Mississippi. Employees and their families are not eligible. Beware of dog. Contestants have been briefed on some questions before the show. Limited time offer, call now to insure prompt delivery. You must be present to win. No passes accepted for this engagement. No purchase necessary. Processed at location stamped in code at top of carton. Shading within a garment may occur. Use only in well-ventilated area. Keep away from fire or flame. Replace with same type. Approved for veterans. Booths for two or more. Check here if tax deductible. Some equipment shown is optional. Price does not include taxes. No Canadian coins. Not recommended for children. Prerecorded for this time zone. Reproduction strictly prohibited. No solicitors. No alcohol, dogs, or horses. No anchovies unless otherwise specified. Restaurant package, not for resale. List at least two alternate dates. First pull up, then pull down. Call toll free before digging. Driver does not carry cash. Some of the trademarks mentioned in this product appear for identification purposes only. Record additional transactions on back of previous stub. Decision of judges is final. This supersedes all previous notices. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Contents ======== NewsWorks ...................... Points of Interest Nuts & Bolts ................... Commentary Clone of My Own ................ Song This Is the Title of This Story, Which Is Also Found Several Times in the Story Itself ............ Story Noah and the Ark ............... Joke ------------------------------------------------------------------------ NewsWorks ========= (If news = none Then news <-- good.) It's NutWorks Humor, the magazine that has been called many things but never "A Dylan-esque tune with a driving beat" and this is the first issue of Summer, 1987. (Another thing NutWorks has never been called is "on schedule.") Seeing how it's that laid-back time of year when people everywhere toss all thoughts of an honest day's work to the wind, the NutWorks staff feels no guilt in informing our readers that we have basically been on vacation since mid-May, and so are taking this opportunity to publish some of the readers' contributions that have been sitting around taking up valuable disk space for the past two and a half years. Enjoy! Oh, and if you're ever at the Carlisle Hotel in Montego Bay, say hi to Sherry for us, ok? Thanks. Le Staff de NutWorks ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Nuts & Bolts ============== by Brent C.J. Britton Living smack in the middle of a place like Maine means that you have to drive a fairly good distance to get anywhere that doesn't look like a Jack Daniel's ad. You know the ones where there's a black and white picture of some old redneck with no teeth to speak of, wearing overalls and a baseball cap with the visor flipped up, and he's sitting on the back of a '68 Ford flatbed pickup truck whittling toothpicks out of a two-by-six pine plank? I have to drive a long way to escape that sort of thing up here. One of things I've noticed while driving across this great land of ours is this: The people who make road signs have Q-tips Cotton Swabs(tm) for brains. I'm not talking about your average, humdrum road sign like "STOP" or "YIELD" to which the average, intelligent American driver pays little or no attention in the first place. No. I'm talking about the kind of road signs that make you wonder if the guys down at the DOT are running with a full frame of resident pages, if you get my proverbial drift. These are some of my favorites: LOW-FLYING AIRCRAFT Tell me, does the placement of this sign on the highway imply some action on my part as a motorist? I mean, just how "low-flying" are these aircraft? What am I supposed to do if I see one? Duck? Should I assume that the aircraft has the right of way? This sign is about as valuable as its cousin: WATCH FOR FALLING ROCKS (little picture of an avalanche) "Well officer the reason I rear-ended the school bus was because I had my eyes peeled on that mountainside so I could swerve to avoid any boulders that happened to come loose as I drove past..." ROAD UNDER CONSTRUCTION PASS AT YOUR OWN RISK What this sign means is, if, as you are driving through the con- struction area past the ten or twelve road workers who are standing around in small groups with their hands in their pockets discussing whether or not the color of the steam-roller conforms to their union contract, and one of them flicks a cigarette butt your way which ignites your gas tank and your car explodes, you cannot hold them liable for damages. NO TRUCKS LEFT LANE No verb this sentence. BLASTING AREA. TURN OFF TWO-WAY RADIOS. I wonder how many crazed pyromaniacs drive around with a carload of walkie-talkies looking for these babies, hmm? MEN IN TREES Don't worry guys, evolution is your friend. LAST SANITARY FACILITIES FOR 30 MILES "Gee, I guess we'll have to use the unsanitary ones..." HAVE YOU CHECKED YOUR TIRES LATELY? This is on the Maine turnpike just after you come over "The Bridge" from New Hampshire. It serves as a reminder to tourists that it could snow at any minute without warning. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Clone of My Own =============== by Randall Garrett Sung to the tune of "Home on the Range" Oh, give me a clone Of my own flesh and bone With the Y chromosome changed to X. And when she is grown, My very own clone, We'll be of the opposite sex. Chorus: Clone, clone of my own, With the Y chromosome changed to X. And when we're alone, Since her mind is my own, She'll be thinking of nothing but sex. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ This Is the Title of This Story, Which Is Also Found Several Times in the Story Itself ======================================= by David Moser Submitted by David N. Blank <BLANK@BRANDEIS> This is the first sentence of this story. This is the second sentence. This is the title of this story, which is also found several times in the story itself. This sentence is questioning the intrinsic value of the first two sentences. This sentence is to inform you, in case you haven't already realized it, that this is a self-referential story, that is, a story containing sentences that refer to their own structure and function. This is a sentence that provides an ending to the first paragraph. This is the first sentence of a new paragraph in a self- referential story. This sentence is introducing you to the protagonist of the story, a young boy named Billy. This sentence is telling you that Billy is blond and blue-eyed and American and twelve years old and strangling his mother. This sentence comments on the awkward nature of the self-referential narrative form while recognizing the strange and playful detachment it affords the writer. As if illustrat- ing the point made by the last sentence, this sentence reminds us, with no trace of facetiousness, that children are a precious gift from God and that the world is a better place when graced by the unique joys and delights they bring to it. This sentence describes Billy's mother's bulging eyes and protruding tongue and makes reference to the unpleasant choking and gagging noises she's making. This sentence makes the observation that these are uncertain and difficult times, and that relationships, even seemingly deep-rooted and permanent ones, do have a tendency to break down. Introduces, in this paragraph, the device of sentence fragments. A sentence fragment. Another. Good device. Will be used more later. This is actually the last sentence of the story but has been placed here by mistake. This is the title of this story, which is also found several times in the story itself. As Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from uneasy dreams he found himself in his bed transformed into a gigantic insect. This sentence informs you that the preceding sentence is from another story entirely (a much better one, it must be noted) and has no place at all in this particular narrative. Despite claims of the preceding sentence, this sentence feels compelled to inform you that the story you are reading is in actuality "The Metamorphosis" by Franz Kafka, and that the sentence referred to by the preceding sentence is the ONLY sentence which does indeed belong in this story. This sentence overrides the preceding sentence by informing the reader (poor, confused wretch) that this piece of literature is actually the Declaration of Independence, but that the author, in a show of extreme negligence (if not malicious sabotage), has so far failed to include even ONE SINGLE SENTENCE from that stirring document, although he has condescended to use a small sentence FRAGMENT, namely, "When in the course of human events", embedded in quotation marks near the end of a sentence. Showing a keen awareness of the boredom and downright hostility of the average reader with regard to the pointless conceptual games indulged in by the preceding sentences, THIS sentence returns us at last to the scenario of the story by asking the question, "Why is Billy strangling his mother?" This sentence attempts to shed some light on the question posed by the preceding sentence but fails. THIS sentence, however, succeeds, in that it suggests a possible incestuous relationship between Billy and his mother and alludes to the concomitant Freudian complications any astute reader will immediately envision. Incest. The unspeakable taboo. The universal prohibition. Incest. And notice the sentence fragments? Good literary device. Will be used more later. This is the first sentence in a new paragraph. This is the last sentence in a new paragraph. This sentence can serve as either the beginning of the paragraph or end, depending on its placement. This is the title of this story, which is also found several times in the story itself. This sentence raises a serious objection to the entire class of self-referential sentences that merely comment on their own function or placement within the story E.G., the preceding four sentences), on the grounds that they are monotonously predictable, unforgivably self-indulgent, and merely serve to distract the reader from the real subject of this story, which at this point seems to concern strangulation and incest and who knows what other delightful topics. The purpose of this sentence is to point out that the preceding sentence, while not itself a member of the class of self-referential sentences it objects to, nevertheless ALSO serves merely to distract the reader from the real subject of this story, which actually concerns Gregor Samsa's inexplicable transformation into a gigantic insect (despite the vociferous counterclaims of other well meaning although misinformed sentences). This sentence can serve as either the beginning of the paragraph or end, depending on its placement. This is the title of this story, which is also found several times in the story itself. This is ALMOST the title of the story, which is found only once in the story itself. This sentence regretfully states that up to this point the self-referential mode of narrative has had a paralyzing effect on the actual progress of the story itself -- that is, these sentences have been so concerned with analyzing themselves and their role in the story that they have failed by and large to perform their function as communicators of events and ideas that one hopes coalesce into a plot, character development, etc. -- in short, the very RAISONS D'ETRE of any respectable, hardworking sentence in the midst of a piece of compelling prose fiction. This sentence in addition points out the obvious analogy between the plight of these agonizingly self-aware sentences and similarly afflicted human beings, and it points out the analogous paralyzing effects wrought by excessive and tortured self-examination. The purpose of this sentence (which can also serve as a paragraph) is to speculate that if the Declaration of Independence had been worded and structured as lackadaisically and incoherently as this story has been so far, there's no telling what kind of warped libertine society we'd be living in now or to what depths of decadence the inhabitants of this country might have sunk, even to the point of deranged and debased writers constructing irritatingly cumbersome and needlessly prolix sentences that sometimes possess the questionable if not downright undesirable quality of referring to themselves and they sometimes even become run-on sentences or exhibit other signs of inexcusably sloppy grammar like unneeded superfluous redundancies that almost certainly would have insidious effects on the lifestyle and morals of our impressionable youth, leading them to commit incest or even murder and maybe THAT'S why Billy is strangling his mother, because of sentences JUST LIKE THIS ONE, which have no discernible goals or perspicuous purpose and just end up anywhere, even in mid Bizarre. A sentence fragment. Another fragment. Twelve years old. This is a sentence that. Fragmented. And strangling his mother. Sorry, sorry. Bizarre. This. More fragments. This is it. Fragments. The title of this story, which. Blond. Sorry, sorry. Fragment after fragment. Harder. This is a sentence that. Fragments. Damn good device. The purpose of this sentence is threefold: (1) to apologize for the unfortunate and inexplicable lapse exhibited by the preceding paragraph; (2) to assure you, the reader, that it will not happen again; and (3) to reiterate the point that these are uncertain and difficult times and that aspects of language, even seemingly stable and deeply rooted ones such as syntax and meaning, do break down. This sentence adds nothing substantial to the sentiments of the preceding sentence but merely provides a concluding sentence to this paragraph, which otherwise might not have one. This sentence, in a sudden and courageous burst of altruism, tries to abandon the self-referential mode but fails. This sentence tries again, but the attempt is doomed from the start. This sentence, in a last-ditch attempt to infuse some iota of story line into this paralyzed prose piece, quickly alludes to Billy's frantic cover-up attempts, followed by a lyrical, touching, and beautifully written passage wherein Billy is reconciled with his father (thus resolving the sublimnal Freudian conflicts obvious to any astute reader) and a final exciting police chase scene during which Billy is accidentally shot and killed by a panicky rookie policeman who is coincidentally named Billy. This sentence, although basically in complete sympathy with the laudable efforts of the preceding action-packed sentence, reminds the reader that such allusions to a story that doesn't, in fact, yet exist are no substitute for the real thing and therefore will not get the author (indolent goof-off that he is) off the proverbial hook. Paragraph. Paragraph. Paragraph. Paragraph. Paragraph. Paragraph. Paragraph. Paragraph. Paragraph. Paragraph. PARAGRAPH. Paragraph. Paragraph. Paragraph. The purpose. Of this paragraph. Is to apologize. For its gratuitous use. Of. Sentence fragments. Sorry. The purpose of this sentence is to apologize for the pointless and silly adolescent games indulged in by the preceding two paragraphs, and to express regret on the part of us, the more mature sentences, that the entire tone of this story is such that it can't seem to communicate a simple, albeit sordid, scenario. This sentence wishes to apologize for all the needless apologies found in this story (this one included), which, although placed here ostensibly for the benefit of the more vexed readers, merely delay in a maddeningly recursive way the continuation of the by-now nearly forgotten story line. This sentence is bursting at the punctuation marks with news of the dire import of self-reference as applied to sentences, a practice that could prove to be a veritable Pandora's box of potential havoc, for if a sentence can refer or allude to itself, why not a lowly subordinate clause, perhaps THIS VERY CLAUSE Or this sentence fragment? Or three words? Two words? ONE? Perhaps it is appropriate that this sentence gently and with no trace of condescension reminds us that these are indeed difficult and uncertain times and that in general people just aren't nice enough to each other, and perhaps we, whether sentient human beings or sentient sentences, should just TRY HARDER. I mean, there IS such a thing as free will, there HAS to be, and this sentence is proof of it! Neither this sentence nor you, the reader, is completely helpless in the face of all the pitiless forces at work in the universe. We should stand our ground, face facts, take Mother Nature by the throat and just TRY HARDER. By the throat. Harder. Harder, harder. Sorry. This is the title of this story, which is also found several times in the story itself. This is the last sentence of the story. This is the last sentence of the story. This is the last sentence of the story. This is. Sorry. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Noah and the Ark ================ Submission by Paul Charette <charettep@nusc-wpn.arpa> When the Ark had come to rest on Mt. Ararat, Noah said to the animals, "Go then forth, all ye creatures, and multiply." All the animals went forth, except for two snakes. Noah said to the snakes, "Did I not command you in the name of the Lord to go forth and multiply? Why then have you not obeyed?" The snakes replied, "Behold, we are adders, and cannot multiply." (Pause for substantial quantities of groaning at such an old chestnut.) Then Noah sent forth his sons from the Ark, bidding them to seek and hew a mighty tree. The sons of Noah returned, bearing with them the trunk of a great tree. Then did Noah bid his sons to strike the tree into pieces, and make therefrom a great table of wood. Noah then said unto the snakes, "Behold where my sons have made for you a table of logs, wherewith you now can multiply, being adders!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Three Morons ============ by John Squires CUJTS@ECNCDC There were five morons standing in an alley shooting heroin. They were all sharing the same needle. After a while, they were seen by a passer-by who started yelling: "What are you guys doing!? Haven't you heard about the AIDS epidemic?" One of the morons replied, "Not to worry... we are all wearing condoms!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Issue019, (Volume V, Number 1). July, 1987.